Excerpt Critique of “Color it Right”

So at the top of the blog, there’s that fancy little sidebar-that’s-actually-on-top, and one of the things on it is “excerpt critique”.

[It’s called a navigation bar, Ereinne.]

Don’t interrupt!  You’re going to make me lose my train of thought!

Anyway, there’s an excerpt critique on the navigation bar, but so far, nobody’s actually seen any of those on the blog so far!  I’m proud to present, the very first excerpt critique.EC.png

Okay, okay, you’re too lazy to go click on the button and see what we posted all official-like on that page, but you still want to know what this is.  Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like.  We take (or get) an excerpt from another book, and then we critique it!

It’s not real critique, though, so don’t get too excited.  (Or maybe, get extra excited!)  It’s more of a commentary, really.  An awesome one.

So today, myself, Meriela, and Raethl will critique this excerpt of Color It Right, by none other than Tairey Lennon.  AKA, the person Morgan calls “Ace”. You guys know her as queenmelaniemerker.

Tairey Lennon is an incredibly awkward Muslim teen who has been writing “novels” for a little over five years now (but has no idea how to write an author bio). She likes ice-cream, the color blue-green-with-golden-sparkles, kitties, and puns. Also a mirror once tried to kill her.

One of her current projects is about cyborgs, ghosts, and parasites. To know more, go to inkyconstellations.wordpress.com.

So ready?  Here’s the excerpt!

Light footsteps sounded on the stairs behind her, and the girl could smell the familiar scent of her sister, telluric with a hint of chocolate. [Mmm, chocolate.[Kivessa! You aren’t supposed to be critiquing this!] [Yeah, but chocolate]

She did not turn to see Patri, but started at the sudden weight that jumped on her shoulders.

“A ride, Mela! You promised me a ride!” said the grubby-fingered thing who now sat on her shoulders and clutched at her hair, although Mela didn’t remember doing such a thing. [I remember things like this with my sister.]

Her sister squeaked impatiently, pointing towards the door that led where she wished to go—outside. Mela would have gone out regardless, but for different reasons. Like studying.

Of course she would give her sister the ride she wanted, though, if just to get her off her case. She hadn’t spent enough time with the little monster for a while, anyway. By some miracle, it might be fun.

She reluctantly shut her journal, pocketed the pencil, and grabbed the enthusiastic little girl’s feet to keep her from falling. The little girl, in turn, held Mela’s hair too tightly in her small, tanned fists. She bounced a bit, annoyingly.

“Go, Mela!”

“I’m going. Give me a sec.” She pushed herself off the bottom stair and walked to the back door, struggling with the doorknob while holding her sister at the same time.

Then Mela stepped outside, a cool breeze gently brushing both their faces. It was a nice contrast from the stuffy house, but along with the breeze came small, half-flesh-half-metal creatures that disappeared into their skin. [That is really creepy.]

They did not feel anything.

The sky was a faded blue, the sun crawling its way down to give room to the stars and the moon and the worlds beyond their own. But Mela did not much care for astronomy. At the moment she didn’t really care for her sister’s entertainment, either, but she ran around anyway, causing her sister to squeal with joy and yell “faster!”

The sun continued its crawl downward as she ran, and darkness climbed up to where the sun no longer held control. Strands of color broke free of the sun’s hidden prison, bursting through the blue. The sunset conquered their sky.

It seemed normal enough, beginning with its brilliant shades of pink, red, orange. A little bit of purple. A little bit of blue. The younger girl reached up, letting go of Mela’s hair, to pretend that she could hold the chromatic sky. Pretending that it was hers and only hers, that she could do what she liked with it. Her fists opened, letting go of air, and she laughed. [Oooh, pretty. I can so easily visualize it.]

The sunset began so normally; Mela did not think it could be otherwise.

But then the flesh and metal, rising up to block out any remaining sunlight–that couldn’t have been normal. That could never have been normal.

There was no wind now.

It seemed there were trillions of them, hiding the entire sky. They’d been like droplets of rain before, but now they were a cloud cover. Suddenly the only light came from the windows of houses, from dim streetlamps, from small reflections of such things.

Mela stopped running.

Wide-eyed, she stood in place—her sister still on her shoulders—and watched the flesh-metal creatures in wonderment. It took a few moments for her to realize how very, very wrong this was. How very, very unnatural.

She shivered, but it was not cold out. Her shoulders were aching, so she slowly lifted her sister off and set her down beside her. The two of them watched the darkened sky in silent awe. It was . . . like a blanket had been set over the world, one that none of the remaining sunlight could peek through.

“What is it, Mela?” Patri finally asked, looking up at her older sister, but she did not receive an answer. [It’s a gigantic blanket! A…really creepy gigantic blanket!]

The shadowy cage, the curtain of black that surrounded their neighborhood—somehow, it was beautiful. They did not understand how. [No, Ereinne, see it’s a curtain.]

And scary. They realized this very late. [Maybe it’s a blanket made into a curtain.]

And the flesh-metals began to rush down at them, an illusion of darkness enclosing the world. A high-pitched buzzing accompanied them, making Mela feel as if her ears would burst.

Suddenly the sisters were running into the safety of their home. The dark dropped down upon them quicker than before, an attempt to capture them, but the girls were swifter, and locked the door, and Mela fell against the wall with panic in her eyes.

She knew this would happen. She’d been warned. [What, you ended it here? That’s mean.]

[Were you enjoying it, Raethl?]

[Yeah, sure.]

[Meriela, is something wrong with him? He was enjoying it.]

[Believe it or not, he does that sometimes.]

See, now wasn’t that awesome?  Don’t you want to see more of these?  If you do, this time, you’ll have to go over and click on that Excerpt Critique button on the navigation bar and it’ll give you directions on what to do next!

[Ereinne, seriously, stop italicizing navigation bar; you’re getting obnoxious.]

Also, if you want to read more, tell Tairey Lennon to write faster.